What Happens When Two Narcissistic Assholes Live Together
by Evan and Mir
Summary: Dave and Karkat live together in an apartment by themselves. It isn't long before all hell breaks loose and they begin a game of vindictive one-upmanship.


"So what the fuck is this 'Christmas' you dumb ass humans are making such a big deal about?"

Dave blinked as a grey hand waved in front of his face, and the question was voiced as if it had already been asked several times. In other words, rudely.

Well, nothing new about that, Karkat was always rude.

Dave had been lost in his thoughts. Not that he'd tell that to the troll in front of him, who was sitting on Dave's bed.

Dave had never expected to wind up sharing an apartment with the angry troll after sburb ended. But, well, here he was, in close quarters with a guy who hated his guts (and, Dave mentally added, probably wanted to have a sloppy hate make out with him). He was surprised that the two of them hadn't wound up either killing or screwing each other yet.

"A holiday." Dave smirked, knowing full well that that wasn't what Karkat wanted to hear.

"I already knew that, you nookwhiffing shitstain." The troll glared at him, reddish grey eyes narrowing in irritation.

"Well, you see, it's the time of year that Santa Claus, a fat old guy, sneaks into kids houses and watches them sleep." Dave deadpanned.

"You're fucking with me. Argh, why'd I even bother asking you?"

"Because I'm helpful and you love me?" Dave suggested innocently.

Karkat's hand came up to smack against his face, and then the troll released a longsuffering sigh.

"That was a rhetorical fucking question."

"But dude, c'mon, I was being serious! His theme song goes, 'He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been goo-"

"My gog, can't you shut your protein chute for five. Fucking. Seconds? You're making my thinkpan feel like it's been kicked in its metaphorical bulge."

"I will if you make me." Dave leaned back in his computer chair leisurely, resisting the urge to grin as he watched Karkat's face turn red. Fuck, he loved pissing Karkles off.

The troll opened his mouth several times, but all that came out was sputtering.

And that was when their vindictive game of one-upmanship began.

Hell yeah. Strider: one. Vantasshole: Zero

* * *

Christmas eve found Dave standing under the doorway, admiring his handiwork on hanging up the mistletoe. He glanced to the side; oh hey, there was Karkles.

They were both standing under the mistletoe.

Welp.

"Strider." Karkat greeted him, a mischievous look on his face. That couldn't mean anything good, Dave decided, stepping backwards cautiously.

Before he could get anywhere, he suddenly was being pressed against the wall, his wrists pinned tightly and Karkat's claws digging into his wrists.

Shit.

"The fuck, Kitkat?" Dave mumbled, trying very hard not to stutter.

"The Rose human informed me that you humans have a really fucking weird tradition of… Kissing under this thing." Karkat nodded his head toward the mistletoe, a smirk curving his lips.

Dave's heart pounded, and fuck, this was so not cool. It was making his stomach feel wobbly and his knees weak. Just the fact that he was feeling all these things unironically made the situation ironic.

Karkat leaned in so close their noses were touching, the troll's eyes starting to slip shut.

Dave squeaked.

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck did he seriously just make that noise?

Karkat snickered, then pulled back quickly to press a chaste kiss to Dave's forehead, and then he was darting away, looking smug as fuck.

Dave sank to the floor, cheeks burning.

Damn it.

Strider: one. Vantasshole: one.

* * *

Dave stood, mopping the floor of the kitchen and humming as a giddy feeling filled his stomach. If anyone who knew him watched him, they would've wondered what the hell was going on, because Striders never mopped.

It was ironic, sure, but also dumb and he generally had better things to do than be a totes adorable housewife.

Dave wasn't doing it to clean, though. He had a bitchtits plan and the key to it was in the bucket by his foot.

It wasn't long before the person Dave wanted to see wandered around the corner.

"What the fuck are you doi- uh."

Dave watched as Karkat's gaze slowly trailed down to the bucket and his entire face flushed red.

Hell fucking yes, it was working.

"You like what you see?" Dave smirked, wiggling his hips.

Karkat licked his lips nervously, gaze snapping back and forth between the blonde and the bucket.

Dave mentally high fived himself and then resumed mopping, enjoying the way he could feel it as Karkat's eyes followed him.

When Dave looked back the troll's legs were trembling and he looked breathless with need.

He definitely liked that look on him.

"Dave." Karkat growled.

"Yeah?" Dave grinned.

"You… Just," the troll clenched his hands and shook his head frustratedly, "fuck you."

He cocked his head to the side and chuckled.

"Go ahead."

Dave had a horny troll pinning him to the counter in seconds, chapped lips pressed against his roughly.

Yeah, he'd definitely won their little game.

For the moment.


End file.
